Are my expectations of life too high?
I ask this question after the challenges of the several past weeks. When you have a baby you go from me to Mommy, and from husband and wife to Mom and Dad. There is a balance and tempo that must be found in the dance called life.
I don’t want to air my dirty laundry on the internet because it’s really no one’s business but then there is the fact that people don’t talk about this part of having a baby.
After having a very disappointing birthday followed by a very disappointing week and then more disappointment this weekend I found myself standing on the edge of life and depression. It feels like I have been white knuckling this edge for a while now. PPD is a serious thing and something I do not take lightly. I’ve suffered from severe depression before and it is not something that I want to go through again.
I’ve spent a lot of time crying the past week but I’ve forced myself to smile and laugh because it’s not Adam’s fault I feel this way. It’s my fault and Brian’s fault for failing to communicate and not working hard enough to find that balance and tempo in this dance.
I think I need to re-evaluate what I expect from life, which is hard for me because I don’t think my expectations are that high.
I don’t regret having Adam and I love Brian very much. I’m not depressed right now granted I’m not motivated to do much of anything except sitting on the couch. I can’t wait for the snow to go away so I can get outside an soak up the sun.
In the meantime sitting on the couch watching movies cuddling Adam doesn’t sound like a bad way to wait out the rest of winter.