Who the heck am I?

I’ve been blah lately. The doctor says it’s postpartum depression.

I say it’s an identity crisis.

After some very rough days and I’m sure there are more to come I think I am feeling better but it leaves me the question of who the heck am I? I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from life.

In perfect timing Adam has awoken from his nap so these thoughts are going to have to wait…

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Having a baby skews things. Before I became pregnant I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up but I knew some things I was working towards. I was impulsive and spontaneous. I had an identity of who I was and who I have become over the years. I had finally settled in and accepted my life.

Maybe the new role of being a Mom has confused me. In October I will be a stay at home, work away from home and work at home Mom. Is it possible to be all 3 without losing your sanity? Is it possible I am wearing too many hats and have too many identities? Some people say you should give up something or say no. I have done that a lot so asking me to give up what I have left doesn’t seem like an option.

It is official that I will be returning to work but in a part-time capacity. I’ll be doing the same job except only during evenings and weekends. I’m hoping for some overnights or very early mornings through Christmas to pick up extra hours. This thought excites me because I miss my friends and aspects of my job but it also scares me that I am going to have to cram another 6-8 hours of commuting and work into my already crazy day.

During the days I will be staying home with Adam while Brian goes to work, I will be caring for Adam, cooking, cleaning and doing the shopping for the household. (I’m tired already!)

Then somewhere in there I need to develop my photography skills and expand my business because I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. All of this sitting on the couch feeling blah has actually made some things clearer for me and I am trying to find time in my day to tweak my business plan and create a 5 year plan for the future. If you don’t write it down it’s just a dream and I am tired of dreaming of this. I really want to make this a reality.

I also volunteer with a non-profit organization. During the year I photograph special events however through the summer is when my large project takes place. For the past 4 years I have directed and produced a 10-15 minute movie to be shown to a little under 300 people for the final volunteer recognition event of the year. This takes a lot of time during the summer because I also edit it together and of course every year has to be better than the last year. I love doing this and its something I thought of giving up however the reaction year after year is almost like a drug. The laughing through the movie and the applause at the end is so satisfying. I do a lot of work between April and October but the rest of the year I don’t do much except brainstorm about the next video.

Then there is me – who loves to scrapbook, watch movies and play video games. All things that I do not make enough time for however I’ve been trying to figure out how to. I try to make a valid effort to blog because I love doing it and I very often feel so much better after spilling my guts into the cyber universe. (Plus I can blog from my iPhone which means I can piece together blogs while doing other things). I’ve not redone the nail polish on my toe nails in at least 2 months and the last time Brian and I went out was to see the Hangover 2 in the theater.

I’m a wife, daughter, sister and friend.

Yet lately I don’t feel like superwoman as I have in the past.

It might be the time of year because if I think about it I do tend to freak out in August or September from the pressure of all the things I am trying to do.

October will come and the leaves will change. I’ll take a deep breath because the video will be done and all the summer photo projects will be off my plate. I’ll smile and enjoy a walk in the crisp air. October is and always will be my favourite month.

I wonder, will I know who the heck I am by then?

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