Today I have been very resentful. I’ve been angry and sad.
At 3 a.m when Brian’s snoring woke me up for the 2nd time and I couldn’t get back to sleep I was angry. I was also jealous that he was still sleeping. I was aggravated because this was the second night in a row I haven’t had more then 3 consecutive hours.
When I went to leave the house this morning and opened the door it was beautiful outside. The lighting was just right, everything had a coating of frost and I knew of several amazing photo-ops on the way to where I was going. I considered taking my camera however I had Adam in tow. Pulling over on the highway or a back county road wasn’t a responsible choice in my eyes. Plus it was -9 degrees Celsius so I’d have to leave the car running and that would also be a poor choice.
Driving the spots were even more amazing then I expected and I missed an opportunity to enjoy and fan my passion. I felt crushed, I felt like what little spark I have left for photography is quickly being snubbed out by life. I remembered a time in my life where I could just pick up and go and take awesome photos. Unfortunately that light window in the morning is small and by the time groceries were done and put away that window was closed.
As quickly as I finished my coffee pondering the above events Adam came down with a high fever. I had to bury all those feelings and go into “comfort Mommy” mode. Adam wants no one but me. I don’t blame him, I do have the best pillows. All my wonderful ideas for nap time went out the window. The fun activity of making Rice Crispy Squares with Adam was taken over by Brian to make sure we had a treat for after dinner.
The feelings of resentment, anger and sadness keep creeping up. It’s been a very busy day, it’s been an emotional day.
As I was cuddling Adam earlier I thought if I had the choice of going back to before when I had freedom and time or being where I am right now what would I choose?
The feelings of anger and sadness started to subside. As much as I have sacrificed I have gained the love of an amazing little boy. The little boy who tells me that I have nice hair and nice eyes needed me to wrap my arms around him and make him feel better.
I won’t lie, I am still a little resentful however I really believe if I can have 5 hours of consecutive sleep this feeling will also subside.
Motherhood is an emotional journey that you believe you are ready for but truly tests you all the time.